Shame is a quiet but potent force. It often lives in the shadows, shaping how we see ourselves and relate to the world — without us even realising it. Unlike guilt, which says, “I did something wrong,” shame whispers, “There is something wrong with me.” Left unspoken, it can isolate us, harden our inner critic, and make us feel fundamentally unworthy of love or belonging.
In therapy, shame shows up often — and gently working with it can be one of the most liberating journeys a person can take.
What Is Shame, and How Is It Different from Guilt?
Shame is often confused with guilt, but they are very different experiences. Guilt relates to a specific behaviour — feeling bad about something we did or didn’t do. Shame, however, is more deeply rooted in identity and self-worth, making us feel flawed or defective as a person.
Where Does Shame Come From?
Shame rarely begins in adulthood. It often takes root in our early relationships — in families where emotions weren’t welcomed, where achievement was valued over connection, or where love felt conditional. We may internalise critical messages from caregivers, teachers, religious settings, or cultural systems that told us we were “too much,” “not enough,” or “wrong” in some way.
As Dr. Gabor Maté writes:
“When we’re not seen for who we are, we begin to believe that who we are is not worth being seen.”
Shame also thrives in environments where perfection is prized, vulnerability is punished, or difference is marginalised. Over time, we learn to hide parts of ourselves — and eventually forget they were ever ours to begin with.
How Does Shame Show Up in Our Lives?
Shame doesn’t always look like shame. It might show up as relentless people-pleasing or perfectionism, the sense that you’re never doing “enough,” avoidance of intimacy, harsh self-talk, or withdrawing from connection. Often, shame hides behind a mask of competence or silence.
As Brené Brown, researcher and author, says:
“Shame loves secrecy. The less we talk about it, the more control it has.”
Naming shame is often the first step in loosening its grip.
Common Myths About Shame
There are many misconceptions about shame that can make it harder to heal:
- “Feeling shame means I’m weak.” Actually, shame is a universal human experience, not a personal flaw or weakness.
- “If I ignore shame, it will go away.” In truth, unaddressed shame tends to grow louder and more destructive over time.
- “I should be able to just get over it.” Healing shame takes time, patience, and compassionate support — it’s a process, not a quick fix.
Recognising these myths helps us approach shame with more kindness and understanding.
How Shame Affects the Body and Nervous System
Shame doesn’t just live in the mind — it settles in the body. It can tighten the chest, weigh down the shoulders, or spark a freeze response in the nervous system. We may find ourselves shutting down, unable to speak, or suddenly flooded with a sense of smallness or panic.
Understanding shame through a somatic lens allows us to bring awareness to how it lives and moves in the body — and to begin reclaiming the parts of us that have gone numb or quiet in response to it.
How Shame Interacts with Related Challenges
Shame often intertwines with other struggles like perfectionism, impostor syndrome, or avoidance. For example, perfectionism can be a way to try to “fix” the feelings of not being good enough, while impostor syndrome feeds on the belief that we’re “faking” our worth.
Exploring these connections can be a vital part of therapy — helping you see patterns and heal not just symptoms, but root causes.
How Can Therapy Help with Healing Shame?
Healing from shame isn’t about “fixing” yourself — it’s about unlearning the belief that you were ever broken to begin with.
In therapy, we explore the roots of shame with curiosity, compassion, and care. This work often involves identifying internal patterns that were once protective but now keep you stuck — such as the inner critic, the people-pleaser, or the avoidant part.
At Sommers Psychotherapy, we work integratively, drawing from a range of therapeutic approaches tailored to each individual. These may include Gestalt, Internal Family Systems (IFS), psychodynamic insight, somatic practices, and other relational or mindfulness-based methods. Each offers a unique lens through which to reconnect with the self that existed before shame took hold.
At the heart of our work is a belief in the healing power of relationship. Therapy offers a space where you can feel seen, heard, and accepted — often in ways that were missing when shame first began to take root. That kind of compassionate witnessing can be a powerful beginning.
You Are Not Your Shame: What Next?
You are not your worst moment. You are not the voice that tells you you’re unworthy. You are not the protector parts that shut you down to keep you safe. Beneath the shame is someone longing to be known, held, and loved.
Carl Jung once said:
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
But that is also where healing begins.
If you’re ready to explore what lies beneath the shame — and to reconnect with your worth — therapy can be a safe place to begin.
A Gentle Invitation
If this blog resonated with you, and you find yourself struggling with shame, we warmly invite you to reach out. Together, we can create a safe, compassionate space for healing — one step at a time.
